Stille Nacht.

I'm just a lad on a long, dark and bumpy road. Still searching for the light of relief where I can end this pain. But lately, optimistic isn't going fine with me. From yes to no. From no to just forget about it. This is so not me !

It's a long, road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

Yesterday, my mom called me. Just a lil chat, some reminder, like always. But my reply was " Waalikumsalam, umph, yeah, owh, ok, insyaAllah, Assalamualaikum ". From 24 minutes conversation before to 4 and half minute last night, and she did talk at most. Thats mean, mean me. I'm stress over the exam week. Yes, I notice it. By all means, I can do nothing to stop this shit feeling. I keep blame myself, tease my past, regret on the time has passed by, and stands weakling to the world. Until this morning, I sat lonely in front of a dress mirror, which reflect a human figure in it. I wander on why he looks sad, I bet it takes forever to make him smile right now. He even lost his braveness that he proud of before. Those eyes, looks weak. Oh boy, poor boy ! I decided to be brave, just this once to look deep into his eyes where I can find the roots of the all problem. Culture of the mind must be subservient to the heart. I knock the door and all I can see, was just a dark, slow heart beating, more or less like a dying man. Nearly motionless, totally emotionless. No one else to keep a good company to him. It isn't same as before. Where's the love in the air ? Where's the cheers that keep you happy at all time ? Why are you keep crying like a child ? Why must you burn down, ruin yourself ? Can you be strong as you used to ?

Where's the old you ? 

Speak to me !

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way  

What's left behind is just a fragile imman, yet, its enough to lead me to a new hope thru this beautiful verses ( thanks to someone, May Allah bless her ) :

HIM. Now, I shall know the main reason over the circumstances I met. I asked Allah for the problems, let me hardly find a time to relax, and in the same time seek Allah's mercy, eternal rewards for my own good.  I pray for good of dunya and akhira. People's say, Allah do Hear our prayers but we do have to take our own step too. By the problems I asked, by the things of what I suppose to do, I believe I can be a true man this way, way mature than being a boy, lad or a lost teen. 

 A great leader is someone who can lead himself

and others towards HIM.

Clearly, I've lost this game, the game that I made, me, myself as I keep thinking of life here than hereafter. That is a sign shows that I devote my love towards dunya, more than Allah. I seek forgiveness from you O Allah ! I should be at least thank to You as You do hear and give on what I wanted, the problems !


O Allah, let me fear of nothing ! 
Equip me of what I need, not on what I want.
Don't ever let me seek human's help by all means.
I shall seek You. 
I shall seek You at all time. 
At all time ya Allah ! 
Strengthen my faith towards You ,
and yes, 
I am fear to lost my hope on You O Allah whenever I kneel down to the problems. 
Guide me to your path. 
Guide me to Jannah !

P/s : Some people always throw stones in your path. It depends on you what you make with them,Wall or Bridge? Remember you are the architect of your life.